Saturday, January 23, 2010

Sometimes Life Throws You for a Loop . . . .

Hello fellow bloggers and blog-followers! Okay, forgive me if I'm totally "out-there" in how I write or salute anyone who just might dare to read this blog must understand, I am VERY new at this. LOL

So, in the past week I've had my share of challenges, confusion, heartache, frustration, pain, and even some depression. Am I writing this to make you feel sorry for me? That could be part of it. Most of us savor sympathy. Hey, it pays to be honest, right? Although I must say, often times, honesty really hurts.

Anyhow, like I said, the past week has been filled with trials. Some new. Right now, while I'm very happy with where I am in my fitness/exercise goals (I'm still working on bettering my diet but the time at the gym is above par!), I am not so thrilled with where I find myself in a couple other areas. I say "find" myself, because honestly, I don't know exactly how I got there. And I don't think a lot of it's fair. And I don't think people I love should try to "manipulate" me or my feelings/responses/behavior by treating me in a not-so-loving-fashion. Life's not fair. I know. How many times has that been proffered to me and COMPLETELY set me off?

Here's how it stands right now . . . . I am doing great in my time spent alone (time reading, pausing to think and be quiet), time spent working out, time talking and trying to reconnect with a couple of girl friends and I tried to reconnect with my family . . . . and guess what. It's NOT working. The only thing I can ascertain (because at this moment one for sure and perhaps two of them are just NOT on speaking terms with me, their choice) is that they finally decided they were "fed up" with me for whatever various reasons they may have, and so now they are attempting (whether or not they even realize they are doing this is a moot point) to manipulate me into crawling my way back into their lives and their good favor or something like that. And I'm just not willing to do that when I've repeatedly stated the truth about myself, my actions, my words, my intentions and I've even apologized and said I was/am working on actively doing better in all areas of my life. Because why should I have to crawl along like some lowly snake in the grass? That's not fair to me. And it's not healthy for our relationship(s).

Has anyone been here before? Surely others have. I haven't faced it in this severity or manner before in my life from those I love most. And what really stings, is that I am pretty much in the dark for their reasoning behind treating me like this so severely, unkindly, and inconsiderately. Seriously!!! I honestly am not sure what to do beside whatever I have been doing and am doing now . . . . spending time alone, reading and writing out my thoughts/anxieties/hurts through journalling, working out to relieve stress and increase feel-good hormones, working on my areas I was working on before, trying to get into contact with a good friend or two that I can simply talk with in the absence of the fear of "saying the wrong thing" or "being my usual awful self" that everyone seems to think I am right now . . . . and just not saying anything to those who are choosing to shut me out and not communicate. Because I've tried communicating in a humble, honest, vulnerable and kind way and they shunned me. I honestly don't know what else I can do beside just let them go and wait for them to come back around.

This all cuts to the heart of me and that's no exaggeration. It's plain awful. And confusing. I'm just praying things will improve quickly and I will not contribute to the situation worsening and I'm hoping I'll grow somehow through all of this.

Anyway, I vented now. Maybe, if you're in a similar situation or you are going to be in the near future, this post will somehow help you. I hope so. Have a good day . . . . I'm going to try to make mine as good as I can, starting with making it just bearable.

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